A Fractured Mind
by Chloe Winchester
Summary: Spencer goes over what happened after he was kidnapped. Spoilers for Revelations and some for Elephant Memory. Oneshot.


--Alright, I just watched Revelations, the episode where Reid gets kidnapped, and this sort of popped in my head. It's a oneshot that I just NEED to get out. If I don't I'll explode. I'm positive this has been done before but, just indulge me for a second.--

_In the republic of mediocrity, _

_genius is dangerous._

_-Robert Green Ingersoll_

_Why'd you take them?_

_I don't know._

_Spencer I am the last person on the planet you can lie to. Because I _am_ you. Now tell me, why did you take those bottles from Tobias?_

_I honestly don't know. _

_I think you do. I think you succumbed to an addiction just like you said you _never _would. I guess you are a liar huh?_

_It wasn't my fault._

_Stupid people make excuses. Last time I checked those three doctorates you aren't stupid._

_One of these days I'm gonna cut you out of me._

_Yeah, do you want me to sit here and pretend that isn't impossible?_

_Can you just leave me alone? Please?_

_I'm trying to stop you from doing something you'll regret. I promise you this Spencer, you will._

I don't need this right now. The past twenty-four hours has been hell. Pure, terrified, horrific hell, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. I had to pick someone to die. I saw a man and a woman get slaughtered on camera. I feel terrible.

How am I any worse than them? I may as well have cut them apart myself. I told him to do it. I told him to. Why? Because I was scared.

_Hey hey hey slow down now. You saved three other people. If you wouldn't have chosen they would have died too._

I was tired of that voice in my head. It was always there, call it a conscience if you like. Another opinion. Maybe I'm crazy. Then again the line between genius and insanity is a thin one.

_You know I'm right._

_Yeah yeah I know. Now will you please leave me alone? _

_Fine._

I'm still scared. Every creak, every voice makes me jump. My heart pounds and I can smell that place. I see it, hear Tobias' father's hateful voice, screaming at me to confess. I hate it. I know they saw what happened. I know they all did, Raphael posted everything he did in the name of "God". They'll look at me different for awhile, I can see it coming, even if they don't realize they're doing it they are.

And then there's my confession. I am sorry I told those people to take Mom. I've never been more sorry about anything in my life. I felt like I had betrayed her, after all those years...I had tried, so hard to help her. Nothing I did did anything. She was the same when Dad left the day she was taken to the hospital. God I feel terrible. I've asked for forgiveness I don't know how many times but closure doesn't seem to happen. Sometimes I hate my mind. It causes more pain than it's worth.

I hate how people stare. I hate how people ask me how old I am after I've said something over their heads. They're intimidated, and I don't blame them for it.

I'm exhausted but afraid to sleep. I hate nightmares, since I can remember I always have. And these will be horrific.

I remember staring down that gun barrel, watching it turn over and over as I refused to let him kill one of my team...one of my friends. The idea had dawned on me so quickly I wasn't sure they would understand. I was so terrified watching him pull the trigger I can't even describe it. Pure terror, nothing but.

To my frustration tears pooled in my eyes and fell down my face before I could stop them. I was still scared, terrified that this was all a dream and I would wake up in the same place I had been, maybe this was all the drugs.

I never thought being hit on the foot would hurt so bad. Now that I think about it how could it not. There are twenty-five nerves in the human body that connect to the foot alone. That's why when you stub your toe sometimes it's worse than being punched. Speaking of which...

God he hit hard, extremely. I never thought anyone as gentle as Tobias could be capable of that amount of strength. I know better now and will never underestimate human ability again.

My face is bruised, but my mind holds the scars. When he told me to grab the shovel I knew what he was going to have me do. The walk out there was excruciating. My leg hurt terribly and it was harder for me to walk than I anticipated. He said he "oughtta bury me alive to give me time to think about what I've done" all I could picture was dirt covering my face, unable to breathe and suffocating to death. I was begging for anyone to help, for some sort of miracle that they would show up. And I am still thanking God for letting that miracle happen.

I can't help but wonder what if. What if they didn't come? Where would I be now? Would I even be alive? I don't know. You aren't supposed to dwell on the past, but this will haunt me for awhile.

How could I have been so stupid? Me? I know I'm smarter than that. I went around the back of that barn totally ignoring what dangers there could be. I knew the risks, I knew the statistics for the risks, but I wasn't thinking about it. Even when he knocked me down I was worried about J.J., not myself. Maybe I should watch out for myself more. Look what happened at school. I couldn't help myself then and it hasn't changed.

_You used your head to get out of this one. _

_I thought I told you to go away._

Gideon knew something wasn't right with me, he suspected something. I didn't really care right now. He would figure me out before anyone else suspected anything, but tonight I was too tired, way too tired.

I felt my eyes close again, finding it harder to stop myself from giving into sleep. Maybe I should sleep. I'm exhausted, both my mind and body. I closed my eyes and let them stay that way this time. I'm still terrified, I'm still crying, and I'm still left with the question I started with.

_Why'd you take the bottles Spencer?_

--Okay all done! I feel better. Reviews are very welcomed on my part, I live for them!!--


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